would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Randomize
