I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Vodka?
Forever.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
