I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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