Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
You smell like stripper and shame
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Come see our sink grown plant.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Randomize
