i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
