So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
