Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
