tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
