she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
