You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
are you so shy because you have an std?
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
