im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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