y did u give ur computer a hand job?
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
