Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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