so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
