He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
