Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
