Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I think I sprained my soul last night
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
