The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Randomize
