when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
