I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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