dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
