I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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