please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
