Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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