oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
