Sober January is a disaster.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
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