i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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