I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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