Betty ford says i'm here all night
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
