clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
