I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
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