last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
