the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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