I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
