If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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