The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
