ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
