I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
