Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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