I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
We had sex on a dog bed..
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
