Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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