So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
