Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
