I heard we made out
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
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