He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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