I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
