There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Randomize
