He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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