Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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