Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
